i'm sitting here in front of my computer desk with my blogger account on screen and tabs for my facebook and plurk accounts. i'm trying to write a new blog entry after more than a month of being a dormant blogger. it is a weird feeling like being a newbie when you're obviously not. perhaps it's because i'm having my blogger anxiety again, i guess, that i fuss over what sentence should come first then next. to get it off the screen, i'm alternately clicking my facebook and plurk accounts' tabs -reading status updates, checking on-line friends and typing my default plurk updates in for karma-ups, the usual things i do when spending my net-night. see how friends are just clicks away!
yes, just clicks away. but why is it so hard for me to check on him and say hello? damn! all i know is i fumble. hugs and imissyoumuch are merely the safest words i can post on his wall.i don't have much courage to talk to my best friend whom i've been missing so much these days. as much as i want to hear my [2nd] mommy's voice, i just can't talk to her over the phone. i'm afraid i would just utter things not so helpful then throw myself into tears.
it pains me everytime mama asks me "Nakaulay mo na si Kev sa facebook?" and the safest answer i can say is [at least to me] "Dai man siya on-line." perhaps, that's the least i could do, not making any calls or anything that can make them [and apparently me] cry.
well, i guess avoidance coping strategies are over. i successfully kept my feelings for a week that i even refused to believe that it happened. i tried not to think about them and managed not to let what i know surface my awareness. it was the best for a short span of time but not anymore this time [unfortunately.hayyy.]. so tell me, am i too self-centered that i chose to be safest from their pain?
the worst best friend anyone could ever have.
2/9/11
11:50pm
really nice to see you here again.. but sad din that this is the kind of blog ill be reading..
ReplyDeleteon a lighter note, i text and email my bestfriend everyday.. but dont get any word.. not even a hi or hello.. but i have learned to stay with it.. i mean, the person is after all, my bestfriend, so, whether a reply is given or not, friendship will stay just the same..
i dont know the story of your pain.. i dont know why you chose to be on the safe side.. but i would like to think that you have good reasons for it.. if you think its self centered, think again.. sabi ni Braveheart, sorry heals all wounds.. that can start everything up again..
friends will always be friends (oh well, thats how i see it, haha).. ewan ko, basta ang alam ko, you should not let a day pass you by or a chance pass you by na di mo napaparamdam sa mga taong mahalaga sayo na andyan ka pa rin, at di ka mawawala..
im sure he's there.. do the move.. :)
hugs..
i just dont know how to handle things like this.ang hirap lang talaga.di ko alam kung ano sasabihin sa mga taong sobrang halaga at mahal ko.sobrang sakit ng sitwasyon nila.a week ago ko lang nalaman yung present situation nila at ngayon lang nag-sisink in sakin/ngayon ko lang kinocomprehend.as much as i want to, naduduwag akong kausapin at kumustahin sila.:(
ReplyDeletehmm.. di mo naman kelangan magsalita eh.. but "hello" and "i miss you" is a good start.. friendship has its own magic.. lalo na pag mahal natin ang tao di ba.. no long words are needed para maparamdam sa kanila na walang nagbago, at walang magbabago..
ReplyDeletelife has its own mysterious way of moving us.. kung hindi ngayon, kelan mo sila uli yayakapin?
ikw na mismo may sabi na sobrng mahalaga sila sayo.. so, why be scared to let the chance pass you by?
kung si chubs ba yan, yan din ang gagawin mo?
hugs..
pano ba kumustahin ang cancer patient? :(
ReplyDeleteeh di ask her how she is... after that, you'll know what's next.. remember, you are talking to someone close to your heart.. that can't be as hard as you think it is..
ReplyDeletebesides, i am sure they would want to be treated as if they are not ill or suffering from any pain.. so, just take it naturally.. if along the way you cry, then let it out..
nothing beats a heart that's true renee.. you'll see.. :)