i'm sitting here in front of my computer desk with my blogger account on screen and tabs for my facebook and plurk accounts. i'm trying to write a new blog entry after more than a month of being a dormant blogger. it is a weird feeling like being a newbie when you're obviously not. perhaps it's because i'm having my blogger anxiety again, i guess, that i fuss over what sentence should come first then next. to get it off the screen, i'm alternately clicking my facebook and plurk accounts' tabs -reading status updates, checking on-line friends and typing my default plurk updates in for karma-ups, the usual things i do when spending my net-night. see how friends are just clicks away!
yes, just clicks away. but why is it so hard for me to check on him and say hello? damn! all i know is i fumble. hugs and imissyoumuch are merely the safest words i can post on his wall.i don't have much courage to talk to my best friend whom i've been missing so much these days. as much as i want to hear my [2nd] mommy's voice, i just can't talk to her over the phone. i'm afraid i would just utter things not so helpful then throw myself into tears.
it pains me everytime mama asks me "Nakaulay mo na si Kev sa facebook?" and the safest answer i can say is [at least to me] "Dai man siya on-line." perhaps, that's the least i could do, not making any calls or anything that can make them [and apparently me] cry.
well, i guess avoidance coping strategies are over. i successfully kept my feelings for a week that i even refused to believe that it happened. i tried not to think about them and managed not to let what i know surface my awareness. it was the best for a short span of time but not anymore this time [unfortunately.hayyy.]. so tell me, am i too self-centered that i chose to be safest from their pain?
the worst best friend anyone could ever have.
2/9/11
11:50pm
